Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a model and only when it's free. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever! Issue closed. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beverage. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. The man manning the grille is the man in charge. Never under any circumstances hang out in his area for more then 10 minutes without offering to get him a frosty beverage. Union Group Local 407 ---------------------------- If a man tells you that he does not drink you are permitted only 1 stare of disbelief and may ask only 2 follow up questions. Afterwards never bring up the subject again. The word "Totally" should never be used by itself as a response to any question or statement If your wife or girlfriend's cooking is horrible, make every attempt possible to swallow it. She went through the trouble to prepare it so you must consume it. Keep criticism lite and to the point but above all else it must be consumed. A woman is not your girlfriend until she answers in the affirmative when directly asked the question by you. Assume nothing until this occurs! Marriages should NOT take place within 6 months of just meeting someone. Beware the financial consequences of lust. If it's true love now then it will certainly be true love a year from now. If your girlfriend does not at least offer to pick up the tab at a minimum rate of once every 6 outtings then a break-up is justifiable. Never use the urinals to the immediate right or left of a man already peeing unless there are no more available stalls or urinals. When 2 guys are sitting on a couch there must always be a buffer zone equivolent in length to one cushion or the span of a human arm, which ever is greater. There should NEVER be more then 2 men per couch unless all are watching a sporting event and every other available seat is taken. Should there be more then 2 per couch then you are required to lean forward if the man to your immediate right is leaning back. Your knee should never touch the knee of a man sitting next to you unless he is related to you. Regardless of couch size, 3 men may NOT share a couch if not partaking in a sporting event. The 3rd man must either take the floor or stand. Period. If a host is gracious enough to let you crash on his couch for the night, under no circumstances should you ask for a blanket, comforter, or "blankey". If the host decides of his own accord that it is cold and that you may need cover then so be it. No single man will have any type of frilly knitted or crocheted decoration draped across his couch Buffalo wing stains are a prime symbolization of manhood and whenever possible should be left untreated on the couch. No man will have more then 3 throw pillows on his couch. No man shall have music playing in the background of his voice mail message. No man should be caught reading any magazine that has flowers on the cover unless said cover also depicts an attractive female. Driving a hybrid is strictly prohibitted unless it seats 8 comfortably or has a tailgate While it is ok to wear watches and manly rings, no man shall do anything that resembles "accentuating" or "accessorizing" when dressing. There should always be at least 1 dog per every cat in your household. Bigger men in weight and/or height must own relatively larger sized dogs. If your friend meets a girl and progressively becomes to drunk to carry on rational conversation with her over the course of the evening then you may court her. He has forfeited his right to holla. Your life is filled with questions. We have the answers. Special thanks to The Men of the Square Table, The JustUs League, The International Council of Manhood, The KenSaySo Management Group, and professional sports. Cheers. 2006.